Great Stuff

I was just reading through an old e-mail I sent back in 2001, right after I came to know Jesus. I'm going to put parts of it here, since it's great exciting stuff. It's also amazing to me to see the kinds of e-mails I was writing right before that, and then the sudden and drastic changes. :) (The name of the recipient has been removed.)

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I can't begin to describe to you the happenings of the last couple weeks. So I won't try to in detail, but I do want you to know a few things at least. I'm not sure how much you'll understand, but I want to make an effort at least, to give you a chance.

Jesus has finally caught up to me, _____. I've been running from Him so long, trying so hard to avoid the reality that I felt, trying to find other ways to explain things. I finally surrendered, and oh, what a wonderful peace. What pure joy! How can I describe to you...

I've told you how I finally came to accept the existence of God, and what an amazing experience that was--the intense Spirit that I felt, the knowledge that this was more real than anything else I'd ever experienced before in my life.

Well, at that time I still didn't want to say that God and Jesus were equivalent, mainly because I had a hard time understanding how Jesus dying on a cross could possibly have anything to do with my imperfections. Also, more recently, I've been turned off by the notion that one religion has more truth than another, because it seems to lead to more conflict and tension, and what do I really know? So why don't we all just have our personal preferences, acknowledging that in the end it doesn't mean any more than whether you prefer strawberry, chocolate or vanilla. "God is real, Jesus is an opinion."

But the problem with this was that I never really stuck to God. I'd say "Yeah, God is real, God is wonderful," and when I was in a good mood I'd believe it, but when I felt the depth of my imperfections, my complete inability to really transform myself into the person that I wanted to be, there was nowhere to turn. By saying "religion is a language that's trying to express the more profound truths of the universe," I was able to ignore those profound truths as "just a language, not the reality." And because I was always aware of my imperfections, my flawed nature compared to the perfection of God (and the perfection I wanted for myself), there was no reason to draw closer to God--He wouldn't want me anyway; what could He do with me anymore than I could do myself just by trying to be a "good person"?

Last week, I finally realized that if I was going to be of any use to God--if all the plans and ideas I had to work with refugees, serve people, make a positive difference (all ideas I felt were conforming to what God wanted me to do with my life), I was going to have to really, truly give myself completely to Him. I had to believe that Jesus was real, and could change me, could free me from my imperfection. "Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, behold, the new has come." (2 Cor. 5:17).

I've learned so many times in the last year that I'm only truly happy when I'm in the presence of God, but I always felt that my sin would always keep me from truly living in His presence. Since I couldn't possibly change myself, I resigned to failure. But now, now that I've accepted the sacrifice Jesus made for me--without understanding how it works, why He did it, anything really--just by letting Jesus take on those burdens, He frees me, creates in me a heart that can do His work. "Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool." (Isaiah 1:18). Only by fully giving myself to Him--imperfections and all--am I able to live with Him, do His work, and fulfill the purpose of my existence.

Oh, _____, I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but it's so real!! ¡Qué capísimo es el Señor!! I looked and I searched and I thought and thought, but I couldn't do anything until I stopped and let Jesus take hold. It's so beautiful! I have so much to learn, but already I can see that God has amazing things prepared for me if I just let Him take me there. "Jehováh es mi pastor, nada me faltará." ...

Oh _____, I'm afraid that you'll think I've gone off the deep end, that you're afraid you won't be able to understand me anymore. But I'm still Seth, just better now! Just more open to God's love, more able to share His joy, serve others in compassion (once I start letting Him breaking down all the walls of fear that are in my heart), love everyone the way God loves them. I want to empty myself and let God fill me up. Oh, it's so real, so beautiful! I do want you to understand that, but more than that, I want to be sensitive to the way you feel, which is probably odd right now, confused at what the heck is wrong with me. But I promise, there's nothing wrong--I'm feeling wonderful. =)